Challenge Accepted

Yes, I am quoting How I Met Your Mother. Yes, I'm that cool. Anyway, what is this challenge you may ask? Well, November is National Novel Writing Month. This month writers will be trying to write a novel in a mere thirty days. They count words, pages, and just try to write for a month. Now, while I applaud this concept and support anyone who has decided that they will be able to write a novel in a month, this is not something I myself want to take on. Firstly, I have written the rough draft of a novella and it took a year and seven months (although I didn't work on it every day). It's too much pressure to try and write anything resembling a novel in a mere month. Secondly, while I know that most people who participate in NaNoWriMo are in fact dedicated writers, for me, writing is something that lasts all year long, for every year of your life, not for a month a year. I want to get to a point where writing or editing every day for even 15 minutes becomes a habit. So, my challenge for myself is to try to write every day for the rest of the semester which is about a month. My hope is that if I continue for that long then I will have formed a habit and will be writing every day. This is something I should be doing already and am working on. Now that it is public though, I really do have to try. Check back over the next few weeks and see if I've actually posted anything...and if I haven't please remind me to keep writing!

Call Me a Writer?

What do you do?
I'm a writer.
To me, the word writer is so loaded. A writer can mean a journalist, a blogger, a magazine writer, or yes, even an author. What am I though? In her book The Year of Secret Assignments Jaclyn Moriarty slips in a crack that, though I don't remember the exact quote, is something to the extent of "a writer is anyone who has written words". (Once again, not quoted precisely) So then, what am I? I write, for sure I do. I write papers for school, I practice my cursive in classes when I'm bored, I write hundreds of emails a day. Would that make me a writer? Or do I need to write something else to call myself a writer? I write poetry (infrequently), short stories (learning how) and of course, I'm working on a novel (which sounds pretentious, overwhelming, and scary all at once). Do writing these more typical pieces make me a writer? At this point, of course I'd just like to say yes, but calling myself a writer sometimes seems scary.
As I've done before, I'm going to turn to the Dictionary app on my computer. Unsurprisingly, there are eight definitions. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

writer |ˈrītər|
noun
a person who has written a particular text : the writer of the letter.
• a person who writes books, stories, or articles as a job or regular occupation : the distinguished travel writer Freya Stark.
• [with adj. ] a person who writes in a specified way : Dickens was a prolific writer.
• a composer of musical works : a writer of military music.
• Computing a device that writes data to a storage medium.
• Stock Market a broker who makes an option available for purchase or sells options.
• [with adj. ] a person who has a specified kind of handwriting : neat writers.
• Brit., historical a scribe.
• Brit., archaic a clerk, esp. in the navy or other government offices.

See how hard it is to define writer? I guess that the first definition formalizes what Moriarty wrote and the second definition is what I aspire to. But there are some other more random definitions which I didn't even think about or consider such as a composer (totally relevant), a computer device (I'm technology challenged), and a stock broker (something I never want to be involved with). 
I guess what I'm asking is, is it arrogant of me to call myself a writer? I tell people all the time that "I write", but somehow it seems less significant than calling myself a writer. Write is something I do as a hobby or for fun. Writer is a title and in my mind it is one short step from writer to author which is an occupation or a career (at least to me). And that is scary. Scary I guess because it's everything I've ever wanted and everything I've never wanted to say (or type) aloud. All I want from life is to sit at home every day and write/edit. I want to be able to walk into a book store, go to the young adult section, pull out a book and see my name on the cover. I've wanted this since I was six-years-old and told everyone that I wanted to be an author/illustrator (even when I didn't know quite what that entailed or meant). So calling myself a writer? Somehow it's a step towards my dream, towards what I've been working for.

Am I a writer? I think so. I'm a blogger both with this blog, and the newly updated Echoes blog (check it out http://barnardechoes.wordpress.com/). I write so many papers a semester for all my classes. And I discovered the other day that my writing process for writing a paper and a fictional piece are surprisingly similar. I like that the analytical side of my literature studies and the creative one are starting to bleed together, especially because the Barnard English department stresses that in order to be a good writer you have to be a good reader. And I'm still writing fiction. I'm editing Guardians and writing new pieces for my class. I'm about to start a new five-page sample to apply to new creative writing classes next semester. So yes, I am a writer. 

I just got chills a bit as I finished that last line. I don't think I've ever publicly referred myself as a writer before. But I think that as I've worked through my writing process, studied other authors, and attempted to improve as a creative and analytic writer I've gained a certain measure of authority. I don't think it's so great, but I have some knowledge. And I've even called myself an author-in-training on this blog. So if I say that writer is one step away from author in my mind then I suppose that calling myself a writer is valid, though slightly overwhelming.

Q: How do you measure, 100 Days? A: In Four Bullet Points

Corny titles are great aren't they? (So is spellcheck when it seems to think that I'm writing in Spanish. Every word is underlined with red--note my sarcasm.) Anyways, it's been three months and eight days since I've posted. In that time I've finished a preliminary editation (that should be underlined in red, I just made the word up) of Guardians, gotten into a creative writing class at Barnard, began to work on a literary blog for Barnard's literary magazine Echoes and scrawled a few more things in the little blue notebook I always carry around. So, in order to update everyone, in the words of the dragon/mentor/guide in Guardians "I shall begin at the beginning. That is the most proper place to start after all." (Sidenote: when I looked up the exact quote I saw that even though the story only goes for 109 pages, Word somehow put in page 110. I guess it tells me that my work isn't done...or something symbolic like that.) Now, back to my life.
1. Editing Guardians is enjoyable, overwhelming, and can bring on waves of awareness of my ignorace. It is enjoyable because I love my story and I love writing. It's overwhelming because I know just how much work I have to do. And I feel ignorant along the way because I really have no clue what I'm doing. My journey to discover my writing process was organic, personal, and unique. No one can teach me how I write best, because the writing process is intrinsically linked to who I am as a person. However, I really think that editing is a skill that can be taught (if I am wrong that would be great, because then I can just uncover the skills) and that I need someone to teach me. So what I really know at this point is that Guardians isn't done, I have no clue what I'm doing, and I'm just going to keep plugging forward and see what happens.
2. ACCEPTED!!!!!! I think this is the best word any aspiring writer can read. Acceptance means that you're good enough, it's a validaiton of your skills and your hard work. Best of all, the piece I submitted to get in was an excerpt from Guardians. I'll post it, and the first piece I submitted to be workshopped. And I'll write more about the class later.
3. I've discovered that even though I'm not so consistent, I do like blogging. I'm the Events/PR Manager for Echoes, Barnard's literary magazine and as part of my position I've created a blog for them. I think it has the potential to turn into something amazing and become an extension of the actualy magazine. Also, it's good experience for working in another facet of the literary world Blogs are becoming big and the more practice I have in all parts of the industry, the better. Here's the link (please excuse the blank pages, it's undergoing construction.) http://barnardechoes.wordpress.com/

4. I'm a big fan of my little blue notebook. It's cute, pretty, and fits in every bag I own. Basically, it travels with me everywhere. Here's an excerpt of a story that I wrote in it:
Christo himself was at the juice bar when Tenna and Gwen walked in. Oddly, he had his hand submerged in a glass jar containing white matter.
Gwen wrinkled her nose. "Ew Christo, I thought you had stopped experimenting with brain cells.
Christo shrugged. "The higher ups insisted."
That's just part of a larger story that hopefully will actually come to something eventually. But that particular part came to me when I had no other place to write it down, hence the whole reason for the notebook.
So there you have it. The past three months in four convenient bullet points. Hopefully the next post will be within the next two weeks. And if it's not, well, I now know that I can condense 100 days of my life into bullet points.

The Second Honeymoon

Editing was supposed to be something scary. I have to admit, I was afraid to start working on Guardians because what if it sucked? My self-confidence well not shattered, was definitely bruised, and I didn't want to find out that I was bad. However, I was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable the task is turning out to be. Actually, let me back track and explain how I've decided to approach the editing process. The first time I read through the manuscript the only actual changes I'm going to make are typos or small word choices. However, I am taking notes about scenes I'd like to add, or places that I'd like to work on a character, or points that need to be clarified. I'm also making a list of phrases that I use too much. And honestly, it feels like I'm back where I need to be mentally. I have this flow of ideas, and I'm excited about Guardians in a way that I haven't been in a while. Honestly, the way I'm feeling is even more than reinvigorated, it really is like falling in love all over again. 
Self-doubt is a tricky thing because it forces you to strip yourself bare and reexamine who you are. Sometimes you can ignore the whispers but sometimes you walk away less confident than when you started. And sometimes you get sick of hearing yourself whine and remind yourself that you're a grown up and you can handle criticism. In writing the first person an author has to impress is themselves. I've been telling myself for the last year that I should be writing for myself but I didn't believe it until I remembered that I'm not writing to become famous or impress other people, I'm writing because I love it. I love to write because it's a vehicle for me share my views on life and a way for me to explore my fantasies and live in my imagination. In a world that's so uncertain, writing gives me a measure of control that is empowering. It feels good to be able to flip through the pages of my novella and know that I wrote every word and that all my hard work paid off. Writing is something that's mine and that I have created. Ultimately I do want to get published but truthfully, I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I'm ready to dive back into what I love.

Learning the Hard Way

Rejection sucks. Sucks like rip your heart out, crush your hopes and dreams, cry yourself to sleep sucks. And yes, I felt (and did) all three of these things about a month ago when I found out that my school's literary magazine rejected not one, but five of my poems. Was it a little melodramatic? Yes. Was it completely uncalled for? Perhaps not. A few I understand weren't my best, I submitted them as insurance because the goal was just to get one in. But no. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. (Excuse if I complain as I type.) After rereading them and having a few friends look at them I came to a conclusion. My poems were not (and are still not) award worthy but that doesn't mean they are horrible either. I was accused of using non-poetic phrases, have cliche phrases, and not showing enough. To these comments I politely nodded, said thank you, and considered some of the critique. And then I reread my work over and over to see if my poems actually sucked. And like I said, I don't think they do. Did all of them deserve to be accepted? Definitely not. Would one of them have been accepted if a different group of people had been in charge of the selection? Probably. So, why am I sharing such a personal story? (I use sharing in the loosest sense possible because I'm pretty sure only like three people read this blog.) I'm sharing this and baring my soul because this blog is first and foremost, a journal where I record my thoughts and feelings about writing. Writing isn't always a happy experience. It can mean a Friday night where I cried myself to sleep at 1 AM (I really can't believe I just wrote that.) It can mean realizing that you are not as good as you thought you were and feeling as if you have to start from scratch. It can mean moving from a place where you are known as THE person who writes to a place where EVERYONE is THE person who writes. It can mean feeling your stomach clench when you think about the piece that you submitted to try and get into a creative writing class at school. It can mean being afraid that you'll never be good enough and you've had self-deluded visions of your own talent. However, everything I'm describing applies to everything and anything that you want to do. Really, my process as a writer, as I find my voice, find my niche, and find out how I'm going to work to achieve my goals, is the same process everyone has to go through. Of course, not everyone is trying to learn about character development, and crafting the perfect setting, and making sure that the plot moves along at a good pace. However, everyone deals with the anxiety that they're not good enough and that compared to other people they haven't accomplished enough, and that they might fail. But you have to fail in order to succeed. (Let's see how many cliches I can use in one post. Oh, and parenthetical sentences.) I needed to get rejected in some ways because it allows me to reevaluate. I needed to be humbled and understand that while I'm not perfect, I'm not bad. I've had positive feedback from people so I don't suck. And aesthetics are always different so it's not like everyone will like my stuff. (Not even published authors or poets can have universal approval.) And really, I didn't go back to square one. I just lost a turn so to speak, which is okay because now I have time to think about how to proceed. I think it's time to get back to writing this blog, to start editing Guardians and to go have some amazing experiences so I can write a poem that I love. Yes, that I love and that I'm proud of. I miss having those moments where I reread something I just wrote and feel happy with myself. This past year, it's been hard for me to actually write anything partly because I keep stopping and wondering if what I'm doing is actually good, deciding it's not, and then giving up. And I really hate being a quitter, so that's why instead of losing the game, I'm just losing a turn. (Another cliche, got to love them.) This blog is as real as I get, it's literally me putting every thought I have out there and then publishing it. (I've always said I was crazy.) But I think it's important because even though I don't have a lot of experience I've had a few good insights that I need to share. I also have a few stories to tell starting with these three.
1. When I was a sophomore in high school my literary magazine read a poem and we accepted it. We found out after that our adviser had made a mistake and it wasn't supposed to be accepted, another group had already read it and given it a maybe. So that proves that two completely different groups of people have different tastes.
2. At the panel I attended in April with writer's from my school, one of them had her first book coming out. She said something that I'm pretty sure will stay with me for the rest of my life: "I wouldn't say that I was the best writer out of my friends, but I was the one that didn't give up." (Not sure if I remember that verbatim, but it's the thought that counts.) To her quote I would add, I want it (becoming published) the most. I will never give myself a deadline to be published, if I am 65 when it happens that will be just as amazing as when I'm 25. I just have to continually remind myself that never going to give up because writing is what I love and what I want to do.
3. Lastly, a few days ago I ran into my English teacher from senior year. Firstly, I have to mention that she is amazing, and so warm and encouraging, and I loved every second of her class. I also have to explain that we did some extensive poetry work and that senior year I was extremely prolific in terms of both poetry and prose. She asked me if I was still writing in college and I mentioned my recent rejection. She said something else that will stay with me forever, "you have a very strong voice." This may seem like a small comment, but really, a voice is the most important thing a writer can develop in my opinion. I want someone to be able to blindly read one of my pieces and be able to say "oh, Hilana wrote that." My teacher added that I have a sense of my voice and my style, and that I know who I am as a writer. That someone would believe in me like that was so touching and made me feel that I must be doing something right, even if I'm not acing the test.
So I guess what I want people to take away from this very long and rambling post (congrats if you've actually read up to this point) is two things. One is that rejection happens, and after the moping period is over it's important to keep going and figure out what you can learn from the experience. That way you'll get better and have the chance to make new mistakes instead of repeating the old ones. Secondly, you should try to find something within yourself that you're proud of no matter what other people say. So when something comes along to bruise your ego, you have a little metaphorical ice to help the healing process along.

PS Longer Letter Later

Firstly, this title isn't original, I stole it from the title of one of Anne M. Martin's books. (She was one of my favorites when I was little.) Second, I really mean it, longer letter later. I just reread my last post from over two months ago and it promised that I would post back in a week. Clearly that didn't happen. As I predicted, my four research papers did consume me for a while, and I have decided once and for all that I will never become a full time academic because to have to write papers on a regular basis would be pure torture. Anyways, I wanted to post something on this blog because I am in an ongoing war with myself to actually write consistently. However, right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my room, getting ready, and going to work. So clearly, even though I have had many more revelations since April 11th, I have no time to sufficiently expound on them at the present. Nevertheless, I did want to write something because the blog was looking a little empty, and because it's good to stay in practice. So I'll be back when I'm not procrastinating.
Hilana
P.S. longer letter later (cheesy, sorry, I couldn't resist)

Editing

I am mentally and creatively drained. Can't you tell? Even the title of this post is bland as opposed to its normally witty self. So sorry. Here is why I am drained. I spent three hours last night pushing until I finished the first draft of Guardians. And now I'm sick of writing. Honestly, I was a little shell-shocked but also exhilarated last night. But right now, I'm overwhelmed. My brain hurts and bit. And I want to walk away forever and let my first draft edit itself. Wouldn't that be lovely? Apparently this is normal. Last year I discussed Writer's Apathy, my term for writers who are in the midst of writing their first draft, know what is going to happen, yet don't want to keep going. Now I am going to introduce another symptom called Overwriting Syndrome. It's when you've spent way too much time writing and you don't really know what to do next. Luckily, even though I've made up the term (I think. Well, sort of. Google overwrite syndrome and see what you get.) it is a normal feature of writing. I've been researching tips for editing a first draft and they all recommend they you walk away from the draft for at least a week. And honestly, the task seems so overwhelming right now. But hopefully, just like writing the first draft, it gets easier with time and practice. Because truthfully, editing is a totally different skill from writing and it's something else I have to learn. So, I'll come back in a week (maybe/hopefully) to post and report on the editing process. That is if my four research papers don't consume me first.

First Ending

This will be a quick post for two reason.
1. I just put up a marathon of a post 
2. I said what I needed to say in the Guardians section
Basically...I HAVE A ROUGH DRAFT DONE!!!!!!!!

Some Meandering Thoughts

It's been exactly a month since I've last posted. It's funny how life works. And right now I have all these thoughts swirling in my brain, and I can't figure out the best way to let them out. I mean, I want to make sense but right now everything I'm writing (and thinking to some extent) is confusing. Strangely, I do feel focused though, as if it's just me and my fingers and the keyboard, which is weird because usually I only feel that way with paper and pen. And now this post is taking on a very journal-like quality, reminiscent of my proto-angsty journal entries from middle school. 
There's just always stress in life. For example, right now I have four research papers due within a month and that's really intimidating. When things like that come around it feels as if other things must get pushed to the side. And then, all of the sudden, you run into the sharp corner of reality and realize that there's life after school, and you have to be doing something, and what if you're writing isn't actually good and you never get published and end up living in your parents basement? (Well that part won't happen). Life is filled with a lot of doubt sometimes and mostly I can push everything to that small container in the back of my mind. But now and then it overwhelms you and the dam walls come down. Like today I did two things that should have been exciting but actually caused a lot of stress. One was that I met with Career Services to talk about finding fall internships at publishing houses or literary agencies. I should be excited to start looking and get my feet wet. But really, it's intimidating that I have to start thinking about things like networking, and finding potential jobs. Even now just thinking about it I feel a little teary. Secondly, I went to a panel where alumna talked about their experiences in publishing. I was hoping that I would leave feeling charged and ready to keep working but instead, in some ways, all I felt was this overwhelming desire coupled with a devastating fear that I couldn't actually make it. When you want something so bad sometimes it seems a if you're life will be over if you don't get it. And really, I think in reality it's good to have a passion that you care so deeply about. But I guess it's all about moderation, you can't let you're dreams overwhelm you, they should only be driving you. 
College really is about gradually introducing you to the real world and forcing you to start thinking like and adult and looking after yourself. It's scary sometimes but I think that in some ways it's a blessing in disguise. I still have a home and people to look after me. And I do have a strong support system behind me. And in some ways I could be expecting too much of myself. I'm not even done with my freshman year of college, did I really expect to have some great internship already lined up or be signed with a literary agency or something? Of course not. I'm at school to learn and enjoy myself as well as plan for the future. So I guess that takeaway message is that stress is inevitable but there's always some good. It's all about standing on the really sharp point but somehow managing not to fall. So, thus concludes another cliche-filled, metaphor riddled, attempted poetic blog post. Hopefully it makes all my fellow worriers feel better. To end with the most cliche phrase I can think of--keep calm and write on.

Rediscovery

Today I was going through my folder labeled "Super Top Secret Writing" (subtle, I know), reading some of my old stuff, going all the way back to freshmen year of high school. It's funny, how much my writing has improved, yet as a person, I've stayed the same and I say the same things, now I just know how to phrase more eloquently. In the folder I discovered a document "Thoughts on Being a Writer" proving that this isn't the first time that I've attempted to unravel the mysteries of poem and prose. My computer tells me the document was created on April 29th, 2010 at 5:50 in the afternoon, which chronologically, places it about 10 months before I started writing this blog. Anyway, for your viewing pleasure here are my first electronically recorded thoughts on being a writer.

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Writing isn’t a visible talent the same way others are. There’s no team, no stage, no gallery. I like to think that it’s a quieter talent that shines through at just the right moment. (Which is funny, because I am definitely not a quiet person). The real problem with being a writer is that for a good part of school, writing is seen as a “smart person” thing. No one really sees it as an art, or a craft, something that people might do in their spare time. And creative writing is hard work. There are just as many techniques and hours of practice involved as in any other field of the arts. For me, writing is about self-expression, creation, and passion. I can craft my own world, where I say what I want without fear of offending anyone. There ends up being a relationship between writer, pen, and paper. These mundane objects are transformed into the tools of the trade and the means by which someone can record their innermost feelings and ideas. I can create new words, and new ways to make language flow, painting a picture of what I want to say. (I can’t draw for my life: believe me, I’ve tried.) For me, images are in my head and the only way I can show them is through ink on paper. I try to draw with syllables and sounds and install my images in someone else’s mind. And if someone else can read my piece and say “hey, I like that” well then, that’s the best part of writing. Because why would you write if you can’t share it? 

I do love sharing my writing but it’s also one of the most terrifying things to do. As soon as I start to read my heartbeat quickens, and I can feel the adrenaline rush. I bet athletes, or actors feel the same way when they have a big game or performance. Because when I write I’m really putting myself on the paper and other people are going to judge me when they read my work. And it’s a weird feeling: reading you’re work a second time, trying to see it through another’s eyes, and marking it up with other’s critiques. But the risk is worth it when someone takes the piece and says: “I’m taking this with me. I keep poems I really like”

Inspiration

Today I had to update the blog for my school's literary magazine. Since we're currently soliciting submissions, I thought it would be nice to post some links and pictures to encourage the inspiration process. For me, inspiration comes in the form of my drive to continue to write until I get published on day. But, I also like looking at random words, reading those cheesy inspiration quotes, and taking advice from other writers. So, I have three wonderful websites and three gorgeous pictures to share guaranteed to get those creative juices flowing.

Cures for Writer's Block: http://www.absolutewrite.com/novels/writers_block2.htm

Thoughts for the Day: http://homeinsteaders.org/

Unusual Words: http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/gswithenbank/unuwords.htm

The Retype

I've spent a lot of time on this blog praising the notebook and pen. Firstly, let's just appreciate the irony because this is obviously a completely virtual blog that I could never share by way of ink and paper. However, it is true that all the work that I've done over the past few months on Guardians hasn't left my notebook yet. Honestly, it's easier in some ways- both to think on paper, and logistically it's easier to carry around a notebook than my laptop. But now, as I near a time where I'm going to have to do some typing I've been considering the value that writing on a computer has. Transferring my work from paper to screen allows me to edit what I've written without actually going back and editing. The process also helps me refresh my memory. Right now I haven't been writing in chronological order and sometimes it gets hard to keep track of the sequence of events. Typing everything helps me remember what is actually going on in the plot. So, as much as the keyboard can produce a mental block, it also has its merits and yes, is necessary. And instead of fighting against it, I might as well embrace it, and all the good I get from it.

Short Stories

Firstly, hooray for posting in a semi-timely manner! Secondly, to the point. Whenever people ask me if I write short stories I usually respond with something along the lines of "hell no". Why? Because all the short stories I've ever read (usually for English) involve depressing plots where at least one character dies. That's not fun or entertaining. But recently I've been introduced to the sub-category of fantasy short stories. Now, these are wonderful. They are condensed versions of the fantasy novels that I hold near and dear. In some ways, it is harder to write a short story because you don't have as much space but at the same time, you don't have as much space so you don't have to think of as many things to write. (I really hope that made sense). Anyway, I was struck with inspiration when I was at MoMA (museum of modern art) last Sunday when I saw a sculpture and the placard next to it said that one of the materials was light. I loved the idea of light being an art material and I decided to write a story about a potter who works with light instead of clay. Hopefully I'll have part of it up in the Construction Zone soon. Anyway, I think that's it but before I go, here are two short story books that are amazing!
Happily Ever After- edited by John Klima
Tortall and Other Lands- Tamora Pierce

And...We're Back!

The fire is back. Somehow, writing every day FINALLY got my creative spark flowing and I'm writing poetry again. Strangely though, the way I'm writing poetry is different than anything I've done before. I'm not quite sure if it's because I'm more conscious of how others view my poetry and I'm afraid to go back to how I wrote in high school, or if it's simply because my writing style has developed. Frankly, I'm hopeful that it's the second reason, because I'd rather know that I'm growing as a writer rather than think that I'm bound by my fear. And in fact, if I do choose to assume that I'm developing a new writing style I can make it mine. (Sorry if that sounds confusing). Anyway, this new style is one where I am much more conscious of every word that I write and I think that my poems will shape up to be more concise. (Unlike my blog posts). I don't have anything finished yet, but when I do I'll post it in the poetry section. The main point is that I'm so happy to have regained some type of creative spark because I thought that college had extinguished it. And now that it's back I'm going to keep writing so that it doesn't go away.

The Notebook

Firstly, unlike most females on the planet I haven't actually seen the notebook. Secondly, to the actual point of the post. I love notebooks. I collect them, carry them around with me, and write in them constantly. I even wrote my admissions essay about them. And, as I mentioned several times before I like writing in a notebook WAY better than typing. (Unfortunately though, I can't blog on a notebook. Believe me, if I could I would.) Anyways, the point is that there is something about going back to the basics that really gets my creative juices flowing. It has been a whirlwind writing Guardians on paper and I really feel like I cans see the finish line. It's a really exciting and somewhat scary feeling and I don't know what will happen next. But I do know that whatever does happen, it will take place in my notebook.

--This has been yet another corny ending (and bad joke) sponsored by Hilana Ezekiel--

Anniversary

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!! To me that is, and my ever-changing relationship with this beautiful blog of mine. Because let's face it, not including this one, there have been 18 posts total. But, looking back on my whirlwind senior year of writing and my insane first semester of college, I just have to say that it's amazing that anything got written at all. Now, anniversaries are special days and times for reflection (as if I didn't do enough of that already) so let the musings commence. 
One: I still love writing. I love it more every day I do it, which is great because I'm pretty sure I want to make a career out of it. 
Two: Senior project was wonderful because it totally forced me to admit that I want to be a committed writer and made me think about my routine and where writing fit into my life.
Three: I like all types of writing and I've decided that once I actually have stuff that I like I shouldn't panic. Instead, I should just keep pushing forward and figuring out ways to actually become a published writer.
So, in a year I've learned so much about myself, and really crafted an identity through my words and reflections. And the best thing is that to end this blog I get to use a corny metaphor. My life is a book that I'm writing and I'm so excited to start the next chapter.

An Old Trick Revisited

Even though I always say that you don't have to be in the mood to write, but luckily this past week all I've wanted to do is work on Guardians. I haven't typed a word in weeks but my notebook keeps filling out. Since I'm not typing anything I can pretty much go in whatever order I want. And this is actually the best thing that I can do because what I write is dictated by my mood. I even have some sentences that I've stopped midway because I've had an urge to write another part of the story. It's really liberating to be able to bounce around and just write whatever I want. And I think it's helping the story to come together as a whole.

Research...the Necessary Evil

For once I'll actually start by talking about my title. Research, even for a story that is intended to be completely fiction, is a necessary evil. Why you may ask? Because if I want to send some of my characters to ancient Rome at its birth (and I do) I can't make that part up. Not only would that misinform anyone reading it, but it would also make me seem really unintelligent (and I'm pretty sure I'm not). So, even though I haven't spent hardcore time in the library or anything I have spent a good chunk of time on Google, which I promise has been more fun than it sounds. (Or maybe it sounds fun to research Ancient Roman civilization, I'll let you decide). Anyways, before I started the research I made a list of questions that I wanted to find answers to. I was pretty successful but somehow, I still am afraid to start writing this part of Guardians. After some thought I think it's because I'm afraid that I've missed something really important that I'll desperately need. Then I realized that I just put another roadblock in my way and I should just start writing because I can always go back and do more research once I have a better idea of what I need to know. So, Hilana what have you learned today? I've learned that even though research is important you do reach a point where it's time to stop looking and start writing.

Going Public

This is it. My last post (which I published a minute ago) inspired me. I'm sharing this link, I'm going public. For something that people may not actually see this is literally one of the most terrifying things that I have ever done. I may be setting myself up for mass humiliation right now. On the other hand, I've received positive feedback before so maybe this won't go as badly as I think. Guess I just have to stop typing and start posting.

The Power of Desire...and the Roadblocks that Come With It

Desire and wanting things can take you a long way. If you want something material, it's usually just a matter of saving up enough money until you can buy it. But if it's something larger, more intangible, yet altogether more important, then, well, desire can only take you so far. Today I read a few articles on writing written by professional authors. And then I remembered that I want to become a published author even more than I want that material object. I want to become a published author even more than I want good grades, than I want to get my summer job, even more than I want to graduate college in four years. I have been telling people since kindergarten that I want to be an author and even though at the time I had no idea what that really entailed, it's something that I've always wanted to do. So, you would think that if I want to write as much as I say I do then I'd be writing all the time. False. I have, for your reading pleasure a list of reasons why I don't write.
1. No time. Let's face it. I'm in college currently working on getting two bachelor degrees and trying to graduate in four years. I take six classes a semester and am involved in so many different things on campus. Is this great? Yes. Is it what I want from my college experience? Yes. Is it helping me be a better writer? Probably not. So, to put that excuse to shame I just have to MAKE time. I make time to procrastinate, I should make time to write, which quite frankly, is way more useful and fun than procrastinating.
2. No creativity. Ok, screw it. I might not have been able to write a satisfactory poem since I've gotten here but I should be able to write Guardians. I believe that writing a novel is a matter of putting the pieces together not sitting around and waiting for inspiration to strike. And I have all the pieces. I know I do. They're in my brain sitting around patiently just waiting to get out. Only they can't because I keep moaning about how I lost my creativity. Let's face it- I didn't. The ideas in my brain prove it.
3. No practicality. This is a big one. There are almost not writers who really make a full time living off of it and even fewer that actually get to be published in the first place. Have a plan B, they all say. And I do. But my plan B seems to be consuming my life and I'm forgetting all about my plan A, which after all, is what I really want to do. So for once, plan B is getting shelved and I'm blowing the dust off of plan A. (excuse the bad metaphor).
4. No confidence. This is the biggest one. It is TERRIFYING to share your work. There is a reason the blog has never become a facebook status, and why I've just started showing it to people. You are your writing and while you're supposed to have a tough skin blah, blah, blah, iron skin can't stop you from feeling hurt when you hear a critique of your writing. Because when people criticize your writing they're criticizing you. BUT, the alternative to baring your soul for critique is just staying hidden, True, there won't be any barbs coming your way but there also won't be any praise. Who knows? You might actually be better than you think. (I might actually be better than I think). And isn't that why I write? To share my writing with others? So, fairly soon maybe the link to this blog will become a facebook status...maybe.
So there you have it. Four airtight reasons that I shouldn't be writing that have just been blown out of the water. I should be writing, I can be writing, and I will be writing. From now on I HAVE to be writing or I'll be stuck dreaming. And let's face it, my desire has lead me here but in the end, desire can only take you so far. After that, it's all about what you can do.

Semester Review

It's been a long first semester at school. And even though I'd like to say that's why I haven't written in five months, it's not the reason. Basically, I'm just terrible at keeping up to date with anything remotely journal like. But there has been a lot going on in terms of my life as some sort of writer/poet/author person so I might as well update. Brace yourselves, it's going to be a long post.

Literary Magazines and Aesthetics and Change
This past semester I joined two literary magazines but I can confidently say that next semester I will only be on the board of one. The one I'm staying on is totally chill and fun and people there are willing to look at every piece with an open mind. They aren't stuck up just because they're the staff and they're ready to give every piece a chance. The other magazine, the one I'm leaving, is basically the opposite. The staff is pretty pretentious and it's a struggle to even get them to vote "maybe" on anything. I mean, it's not like I write anything Pulitzer worthy and I'm pretty sure that even if their stuff is great it's not the best. They shouldn't just trash other people's work, especially when poetry (which is most of the submissions) is so personal. Everything should be looked at with the hope that it will be good enough to get put in the magazine. But enough ranting. I think that the basic thing I've learned from being on both editorial boards is that aesthetics vary wherever you are. My high school's aesthetic seems to be different than what I'm finding at college. I guess the struggle now is to decide whether or not I want to tweak how I write so that I can be accepted where I am now, or if I'm proud of my stuff and I believe that it can shine wherever I am. Or maybe I don't need to be so defiant and I can just realize that I believe in what I write but maybe it needs to be edited. Everyone can always grow as a writer so this is a good chance for me to keep experimenting. However, that doesn't mean that I'll get discouraged if one person doesn't like something I've done because it doesn't mean someone else won't like it.

Inspiration
It is really hard to get inspired in college for some reason. Seriously, it feels like college sapped all the creativity out of me. There are nights where I would stay up late writing one bad poem after the other. All the while I kept meaning to post about how much harder it is to force yourself to write poetry than it is to sit down and work on a story. On that note, I was able to plug away at Guardians a bit and hopefully by the end of my vacation I will have reached a place where the end is actually in sight. But back to poetry. Somehow, I can't seem to find that flow that I had. I used to have these days where all I could do was write and all my thoughts seemed to want to form a poem. But now it seems like everything I write is forced and terrible. Now I don't know how bad anything actually is. It may be that I'm just getting too critical of myself because I'm suddenly super afraid of what everyone else thinks. On the other hand, sitting down and deciding to write a poem never really works. I guess I don't really have a solution for this problem. One thing I do know is that this too shall pass and I'll find my creative spark again.


Being Different, Being Special
In high school, writing defined me, especially during my senior year. I was editor of the literary magazine, helped run the school's poetry slam, and did three separate projects based on creative writing. People knew that I was someone who wrote and it was what made me special. This uniqueness was especially important to me because in the middle school I went to you weren't considered talented unless you were athletic or you could sing. Now, I've never been athletic and despite my best efforts, I can't sing to save my life. But writing wasn't considered a talent in middle school so basically I just felt unspecial and talentless. High school showed me that writing was a talent and that I had something special. At least, I thought I did until college. At the school I go to there are an unbelievable amount of amazing writers. Suddenly, writing isn't this thing that a few people do, it's something that basically everyone does and they do it well. That kind of knowledge can take a toll on an aspiring author's self-esteem. Over the past four years writing has become such a crucial part of who I am that if I discovered that I wasn't actually a good writer then I wouldn't know who I was and that's a really scary thought. I guess it's just a big fish in a little pond moving into a bigger pond but that doesn't make the move any more comfortable. I guess like I said before, you just have to trust in your writing and believe that it can shine anywhere.


So, there it is. The longest blog post I've written in almost a year spanning over two days (because I started writing at 11:40 PM and it's now 12:03 AM) and covering five months of thoughts, reflections, and conclusions. Who knows what will come next for me. One thing I do know is that it could easily be another five months until I write here again. Hopefully not, but one thing that college has taught me is that there's no sense in trying to plan anything, it's more enjoyable to just let things happen on their own time.