Rejection sucks. Sucks like rip your heart out, crush your hopes and dreams, cry yourself to sleep sucks. And yes, I felt (and did) all three of these things about a month ago when I found out that my school's literary magazine rejected not one, but five of my poems. Was it a little melodramatic? Yes. Was it completely uncalled for? Perhaps not. A few I understand weren't my best, I submitted them as insurance because the goal was just to get one in. But no. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. (Excuse if I complain as I type.) After rereading them and having a few friends look at them I came to a conclusion. My poems were not (and are still not) award worthy but that doesn't mean they are horrible either. I was accused of using non-poetic phrases, have cliche phrases, and not showing enough. To these comments I politely nodded, said thank you, and considered some of the critique. And then I reread my work over and over to see if my poems actually sucked. And like I said, I don't think they do. Did all of them deserve to be accepted? Definitely not. Would one of them have been accepted if a different group of people had been in charge of the selection? Probably. So, why am I sharing such a personal story? (I use sharing in the loosest sense possible because I'm pretty sure only like three people read this blog.) I'm sharing this and baring my soul because this blog is first and foremost, a journal where I record my thoughts and feelings about writing. Writing isn't always a happy experience. It can mean a Friday night where I cried myself to sleep at 1 AM (I really can't believe I just wrote that.) It can mean realizing that you are not as good as you thought you were and feeling as if you have to start from scratch. It can mean moving from a place where you are known as THE person who writes to a place where EVERYONE is THE person who writes. It can mean feeling your stomach clench when you think about the piece that you submitted to try and get into a creative writing class at school. It can mean being afraid that you'll never be good enough and you've had self-deluded visions of your own talent. However, everything I'm describing applies to everything and anything that you want to do. Really, my process as a writer, as I find my voice, find my niche, and find out how I'm going to work to achieve my goals, is the same process everyone has to go through. Of course, not everyone is trying to learn about character development, and crafting the perfect setting, and making sure that the plot moves along at a good pace. However, everyone deals with the anxiety that they're not good enough and that compared to other people they haven't accomplished enough, and that they might fail. But you have to fail in order to succeed. (Let's see how many cliches I can use in one post. Oh, and parenthetical sentences.) I needed to get rejected in some ways because it allows me to reevaluate. I needed to be humbled and understand that while I'm not perfect, I'm not bad. I've had positive feedback from people so I don't suck. And aesthetics are always different so it's not like everyone will like my stuff. (Not even published authors or poets can have universal approval.) And really, I didn't go back to square one. I just lost a turn so to speak, which is okay because now I have time to think about how to proceed. I think it's time to get back to writing this blog, to start editing Guardians and to go have some amazing experiences so I can write a poem that I love. Yes, that I love and that I'm proud of. I miss having those moments where I reread something I just wrote and feel happy with myself. This past year, it's been hard for me to actually write anything partly because I keep stopping and wondering if what I'm doing is actually good, deciding it's not, and then giving up. And I really hate being a quitter, so that's why instead of losing the game, I'm just losing a turn. (Another cliche, got to love them.) This blog is as real as I get, it's literally me putting every thought I have out there and then publishing it. (I've always said I was crazy.) But I think it's important because even though I don't have a lot of experience I've had a few good insights that I need to share. I also have a few stories to tell starting with these three.
1. When I was a sophomore in high school my literary magazine read a poem and we accepted it. We found out after that our adviser had made a mistake and it wasn't supposed to be accepted, another group had already read it and given it a maybe. So that proves that two completely different groups of people have different tastes.
2. At the panel I attended in April with writer's from my school, one of them had her first book coming out. She said something that I'm pretty sure will stay with me for the rest of my life: "I wouldn't say that I was the best writer out of my friends, but I was the one that didn't give up." (Not sure if I remember that verbatim, but it's the thought that counts.) To her quote I would add, I want it (becoming published) the most. I will never give myself a deadline to be published, if I am 65 when it happens that will be just as amazing as when I'm 25. I just have to continually remind myself that never going to give up because writing is what I love and what I want to do.
3. Lastly, a few days ago I ran into my English teacher from senior year. Firstly, I have to mention that she is amazing, and so warm and encouraging, and I loved every second of her class. I also have to explain that we did some extensive poetry work and that senior year I was extremely prolific in terms of both poetry and prose. She asked me if I was still writing in college and I mentioned my recent rejection. She said something else that will stay with me forever, "you have a very strong voice." This may seem like a small comment, but really, a voice is the most important thing a writer can develop in my opinion. I want someone to be able to blindly read one of my pieces and be able to say "oh, Hilana wrote that." My teacher added that I have a sense of my voice and my style, and that I know who I am as a writer. That someone would believe in me like that was so touching and made me feel that I must be doing something right, even if I'm not acing the test.
So I guess what I want people to take away from this very long and rambling post (congrats if you've actually read up to this point) is two things. One is that rejection happens, and after the moping period is over it's important to keep going and figure out what you can learn from the experience. That way you'll get better and have the chance to make new mistakes instead of repeating the old ones. Secondly, you should try to find something within yourself that you're proud of no matter what other people say. So when something comes along to bruise your ego, you have a little metaphorical ice to help the healing process along.
No comments:
Post a Comment